I am 25 years old and in the years that I have seen the sun rise and fall, I have never understood or try to understand the emotion they call love.
I think of myself as a hardheaded person ruled by her head and not by her emotions but when it comes to the matters of the heart I am but a leaf dangling from a branch moving wildly in the storm of the wind. So helpless am I that it leaves me frustrated with tears burning in my eyes. Yet, here I am still in the throes of love or what remains of it.
After being in a relationship for 7 years I feel as if I have reached a cycle in my life that needs to change. I feel bored and caged in. Where has the wild passion gone? Where is the lust that sparks with just a glance? Why are we so comfortable with each other that we can be in each others company and not say anything for hours, each to his own amusement.
Where are the vows of undying love and love letters hastily written and read? Has familiarity breed contempt? Sometimes at night when all is quiet I would wish that I had not started this relationship. That I was alone and free to do as I want for I did not feel loved or treasured. I felt as if my presence was taken for granted, used for convenience a ‘just because’.
So why, why do I not leave? Why do I not sever the invisible chains that seem to bind me to this person. Is it guilt? Is it because I am afraid? What is it? I asked myself countless of times and in the darkness it hit me. Not like cupids arrow striking men and turning them into love lust swains but like a dim light in the darkness. You can hardly see it but it ever so slowly gets brighter and it gets so bright that your blinded.
Love is not a miracle, love is hard work, compromise and dedication. Love is simple and not kind and it will hurt and mangle you to the point of desperation. Yet, love can be forgiving, gentle and sweet. Love is the light in the darkness and it is these moments of love that I await for. This is the reason why I stay, through the dark with me blindly waiting and living I feel the light on my face sometimes and I feel loved and that would be enough for me.