Unbelievable, not only do I have to fight the fight myself but when I need the support and understanding I don’t get it from the person I need it the most.
It is so frustrating that I can barely speak! I understand that my decision to leave for a few months will be tough and that he is not happy with it. But he did say that he supports my decision but why is it that whenever I try to move things forward I not only have to work out the logistics and the mind boggling juggling act of how to pay my mortgage when I quit work I also have him to contend with? There is only so many time I will soothe the ruffled feathers. I am so close to just losing it and just feel like plonking myself on the floor and have a full blown tantrum with tears and banging my fist on the floor. The whole she-bang!
We were planning to move this relationship forward and I have been waiting for it so that I can plan ahead but nothing has been happening and I am getting tired of waiting. I am in no rush and I think it is a blessing in disguise. What I don’t like is that whenever I am motivated to do something I just get shot down and I have to start all over again with the begging, the pleases, the nods of understanding when he tells me why it won’t work, the countless times I have to repeat myself “What do you mean you don’t understand? I told you about this 3 months ago and I am now going to do it and you say I shouldn’t? Why???”
I am just waiting for him to tell me what is really bothering him and for him to say the words “I don’t want you to go” then we can both start from there and figure out what to do. These empty words of support are just killing me.
But then when I think about it I am putting expectations on him to support me because he is ‘suppose’ to. I really want his approval and his thoughts on this but if I really want this then I should just go ahead and do it and damn the consequences.
So, the problem isn’t about him killing me because it looks like I am killing myself.