You still have not replied my last email, busy eh? All good as I have all the time in the world. Been doing some reading and most of them uplift my spirits and then I go read a book after those books and end up plummeting to the ground again. Like life eh? Sweet, sweet, sweet then BOOM! Bitterness… Have you noticed that bitter tasting things are usually stronger and last longer on your tongue.
One time I had a really angry moment with my uncle while my dad was in South Africa . I was crying after the talk with him but I didn’t let him see it but once I reached my room I was bawling my eyes out. After the tempest of my crying (it surely felt like a storm at that time) I was lying on the bed when a I tasted a bitter taste in my mouth. I smack my lips together and collected the saliva in my mouth, swallowed and still had the taste there. I scraped my swollen tongue with my teeth but still the taste was there. I had to go to the toilet to brush it off with extra strong Colgate and even then the taste seem to linger. Maybe my brain remembered the smell and didn’t want to let it go.
I remember a time when I was in the garden with you and we found this lady buy on the ground. I was going to step on it but you stopped me and told me it was cruel. I stooped to pick it up and crushed it between my fingers. I can still remember the disappointment on your face at that time. I didn’t care but the smell, remember the smell? It stunk so bad and if I close my eyes and smell my fingers I can still smell it on my fingers. Bug juice. My brain must have kept that smell to remind me how different you are to me.
But no matter how hard I tried I can’t remember the taste of your first orange cake. Your attempt was pitiful but I didn’t say anything at the time. You were so impressed with yourself and although I don’t listen to you or think that what you do sometimes is stupid I would not purposely hurt you. I vaguely remember that the cake was lopsided and you should have used only the rind of the orange not the whole skin. I tried to stop you when you chop the orange skin up but I knew you wouldn’t listen so I smiled and said “what you doing?” pretending not to know as I always enjoyed it when you told me things.
Lately, I have been thinking. Why are we the way we are? I googled about it as I have no money to buy books and everyone has their own opinions. Some say our destiny is something pre destined and we have no say to what will happen to us. I still cannot differentiate the difference between fate and destiny. I thought to ask you about what you thought but I knew you would choose the safe answer. An answer that would throw you off balance and keep you in control of what you thought you knew. I on the other hand, I have no control not even on myself.
I wonder how long will we live? Will I live longer than you? I would hate for that to happen. I am selfish enough to not want to grieve for you, to not feel as if I have lost something irreplaceable and there is nothing I can do about it. I think I would kill myself if you went first. Don’t be angry, it’s just a thought. What do you think? Don’t avoid the question. Sometimes thinking about this sort of things put our life back into perspective.
Ahh, it’s raining now. I can hear the wind howling and the tap tap tap sound when the rain drops hit the roof. I feel sad now, your not here anymore for me to ask for a dance in the rain. I think I will end this letter here instead of dancing I shall act my age and go for a walk instead.