Don’t you just hate it when you have that sinking feeling at the pit of you stomach? It is as if a light switched off and when it get backs on again everything that was orderly, normal, real and safe has turned into chaos, anger, hurt and distrust. I’m talking about regret.
Getting worked up in the heat of the moment, doing things we normally wouldn’t do and then regretting it after one has cooled down. The downward spiral of hate begins here. The doubt sets in and you think to yourself “Did I do the right thing?” “Could I have done things differently?” You start to play out the scenes in your mind over and over again chastising yourself in certain scenes where you could have done something. You keep doing this until the guilt overflows and you shut your eyes, flip over to the other side and try to sleep. You will yourself to sleep. Nothing happens. You start to tell yourself that what you did was right, you reacted to the moment, you tell yourself you wouldn’t have reacted the way you did if the other person had been more honest, more forgiving, more forthright, more beautiful, kinder, more, more, more…
Nothing feels good, even when the sun rises and the rooster start crowing in your neighbors yard. You wake up feeling as if you hadn’t slept a wink. You swallow and all you can taste is doubt and worse, guilt.
When I do something wrong I always, always feel guilty about it afterwards. In the heat of the moment I would justify my actions against those who seek to wrong me and against myself, my conscience. It’s a battle that I always lose, even when I win I go home a loser. The guilt doesn’t leave me. It never does. All I do is tamped it down, try to forget about it and move on forward. If I am lucky I would have learned something from it. But most times when I am awake at night, memories come surging back bringing that familiar taste in my mouth.
Some mistakes are minor and some are so big that I feel dirty just thinking about it. But I have learned that forgiving oneself is the step to making that taste in your mouth less bitter. There will be a time that it will be but a mere pinch in your sides when you think about it but only time will help you towards that path. All actions that are done out of love usually have the best intentions but sometimes a person has to step back and reevaluate the situation. Sometimes, reacting instinctively without thought is a dangerous thing. Man differentiates himself from beast because he has one single thing that animals do not have and that is the gift to have thought. To think for oneself, to innovate, create, destroy, save and wield ones own fate just by something so simple and yet deeply complex, which is to use the brain to create logical thought.