“The world needs dreamers and the world needs doers. But above all, the world needs dreamers who do” Sarah Ban Breathnach
At the start of every New Year since I reached my majority of the grand old age of 18 years old. There has been this unexplainable feeling in me that is bubbling inside. Sometimes it bubbles forth to the top and I feel like I am going to burst out of sheer excitement and anticipation and other times it’s just there slowly simmering, waiting. Waiting for what? I have no idea, but if there is someone up, up, up there who is reading this and knows the answer please don’t hesitate to call me. You know where to get me.
As each year passes by and nothing happens, I get a little fearful. I get scared that this bubble won’t have a chance to reveal itself because I have become ‘over the counter’ goods. No longer a dew eyed lass in the spring time of her youth. No longer a springy lamb on the pasture (Ha! This one I made up myself). I’m scared that there will be a time where it will be too late for that bubble to burst and it will just dry up and wither away because I got too old.
When I think of it that way, I start to get sad and scared that it will really happen and then to protect myself I begin to tell myself that you know ‘life’s like that’ you take what you can and live with what you have. Then, as I am feeling better I get angry. I get so angry that I wanna poke somebody in the eye, throw the vase against the mirror for special effects kind of angry. I don’t want to just ‘settle’, I don’t want to just ‘live with what I have been given’. I want more, I want to be on the top, I want it all, give it to me!
Then I feel shameful, ashamed that I want more when so many people have nothing. I get self conscious and I try to do ‘what is right’ and I do it. But then I end up being unhappy. I work at it until I get too busy to feel anything and before I know it another year is popping by and I get all excited again. I tell myself “This is the year! This will be it!” But nothing ever happens. Nothing.
I got really fed up one time and thought to myself “Right, that’s it no more hoping, no more disappointments, no more waiting. I will just do something, anything to get this bubble bursting!” At first I got nowhere with myself. I was crippled with self doubts and criticism from other people and most especially from myself. I walked a line of euphoria and anger for a long time. Until one day I just felt tired, tired of everything and wondered why I even bothered.
I didn’t want to go to work, I pulled a sicky that was about a week long (and I didn’t care). I waffled at home like a bum and would lie in bed all glum. In that long, dreary, horrible week something happened. I started day dreaming…I dreamed I was a child again, I dreamed that I didn’t have to care about material things, how to pay the bills, the mortgage, the dogs, the man, the career. I dreamed that I was playing with my mothers favorite lipstick and smeared it on her expensive top. I dreamed that I hummed a song and made it into a world wide hit while everyone basked in the my glory of being a musical genius. I dreamed of the time that I pretended that I was being interviewed while having dinner as my maid in the living room laughed behind my back thinking her missus had gone crazy. I dreamed of my old dreams of wanting to save all children, put child molesters and pedophiles behind bars, run for president and bake cakes that would not only smell and look good but it would taste heavenly.
After 3 hours of wanting and day dreaming, I realized that what I have not been doing this few years is to take the time to dream the impossible. I felt better, I felt energized, I felt myself. My old self, the self that was locked away because it didn’t fit with the ‘realities’ of my new life. The self that dreamed of everything under the sun and laughed when it didn’t work out. I got myself back, the self that went to beauty pageants and thought it was the grandest thing in the world, the self that was up for anything and would even try parallel parking (I mean what was the worst that could happen?). The self that had the time to laugh at myself and laugh at other people when they are laughing at me and with me.
I found her!
Once in awhile, I lose that self but the dreaming never stops. Like a dam that has burst open once I began to dream again there was no stopping it. I dream all the time now. Outlandish, bizarre, out of this world dreams that make me feel like I can conquer all.
I dreamt I would get a house and I did, I dreamt I would get a pet of my own and I did, I dreamt that I could drag my man to the altar and I did, I dreamt that I would make enough money to support my other dreams and I am on my way on this one. Who knows? I don’t know and I don’t have to kill myself trying to know the answer. Sometimes we just gotta grab life by the balls and not let go until we are satisfied with the results.
“Whatever you vividly imagine, ardently desire, sincerely believe, and enthusiastically act upon… must inevitably come to pass!” Paul J. Meyer
I used to be afraid to get it out there in public of what I wanted and where I was in my life. I was afraid that once I had it out there then I would have no excuses to fail. I HAD to make it happen. Now, I don’t feel as fussed anymore. Sure it would be good if it did work out successfully but even if it didn’t turn out well then at least I knew I tried and nothing is stopping me from trying again and dreaming of bigger and better things. If I didn’t dream of succeeding then how am I realize it to reality in the first place?
This post is to remind me of what my lifelong dream is. To live life the way I want it to be, to dream all the time and aspire to greater things. To try and try again until one day I can try no more.
“When these stars die, after the ageless darkness, more stars will come. Under them our future selves will be. When their stars die, yet more stars will come. This is unending, for the darkness itself is eternal, and while there is darkness, there will always be the possibility of stars.” A. Wohsedis