Category Archives: Got a lot of soul

L is for Li Yang

From the time I met her 12 years ago till now, she has been a constant, often gentle presence in my life. A kind soul who delves frequently in the poem of life. She often reads a variety of genres, has very interesting perspectives and is loyal to a fault.

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I remember vividly one time I sent her a text that I would not be able to spend time with her and to get back to me in 3 months’ time (I was busy conquering the world and had a lot on my plate at that time and a little twat). She was as you can imagine, upset and sent me a very long email detailing why I should prioritize and divide my task into smaller portions so that it is manageable and thus give me more free time to do more important stuff like chilling with friends!

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Yup, Li Yang is not afraid to speak her mind and I was quite annoyed at her at the time. I felt that she was not being supportive or understanding which is absolutely very far from the truth. She has been there for me for as long as I remember.  I found a post I did which sort of encapsulated my first time meeting with her and my impression of her at the time.

Her Name Was Ivy Or So She Said

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I also found a letter from many years ago that she sent to me when I lost my first dog in New Zealand (blog post of that is her; Her Name Was Clare). I was inconsolable and her gesture didn’t make me feel any better but it did bring home that ‘homie got my back’.

 

09/10/2012

Hi Audrey,

I called you and Bronson, he said you cried too much and went to sleep now. Magnus told me about Clare when he saw your tweets , we were skpying each other. I thought to write a few words on my friend Claire.

She is one special dog, she kind of witnessed part of you and I growing up. I will never forget that beautiful autumn day Magnus and I visited your house first time, that’s also the day I met Clare.

She was this fluff of cloud running towards anyone, without a guard , always so pleasant. She treated the whole wide world like her own playground. When I hugged her, my heart melt in softness and happiness. I totally understand why people would keep dogs, the amount of joy they brought to our lives are just hard to put into words.

Then before you got married, before I made the move to Wellington, Clare became a mother. I was not there when she gave birth, but when I saw her and her cute puppies, something changed. I don’t know if I told you, those puppies she had were so cute, but I can’t stop hugging Clare. I see something different in her eye, there is a bit of softness, also it’s a vast gentleness around her. She suddenly grew up, not as excitable as she was a babe. Most importantly, she does not seem to get over excited with strangers anymore. She seems to choose who she wants to be friendly with. She had the guard, because she is a mum and has her babies to protect. It may sound silly, but when I saw her I thought of us. Thought of in the future when we complete the change from silly young women to adulthood, becoming a mother and have our own precious little ones to protect. Would we have so much gentleness in our eyes?

I may sound crazy and over sentimental, but I really treasured every time I had with Clare. She brought me lots of joys, kindness and the bonding I had with you and Bronson when you just had your home set up.

After I moved back from Wellington, I didn’t visit you guys as often as I use to. Clare is always on my mind. She is the first dog I knew from a babe to a mother, when I visited you last time I spent a good 30mins in the garage hugging her and Murphy.

Murphy would always jump on me first, Clare will wait patiently till Murphy calms down then came over gave me a good hug. She would let me rub her, calling her name then looking at me with those gentle eyes, a vast of softness in her eyes. It’s like the complete trust in her eyes which always made me feel a bit guilty, coz I really didn’t spend much time with her.

As I wrote this down, I think of you, Bronson, Magnus , Clare, we ran down the beach, walk around the vineyard near your house, talk about life, being silly…I can still smell the grass, the leaves, feeling the autumn sun fell on my skin.

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This came all so suddenly, Claire may had us in her four years of life, for me, the memories I have of her will last a life time…just like the friendship we have with each other… All the joy, the sadness in life. We share, we bear, we carry on.

 

Lots love to you and Bron

Liyang

 

That line “All the joy, the sadness in life. We share, we bear, we carry on” just got me, right in the heart.

 

 

Till Then

***Just a quick recap, I joined a blog challenge called A to Z challenge where we write a post a day based on the alphabet.

My other posts for the challenge;

A is for Arianna

B is for Bronson

C is for Cynthia

D is for Doreen

E is for Empathy

F is for Fat

G is for Garden

H is for Hayao Miyazaki

I is for Idols

J is for Juice

K is for Kelly Tarlton’s

 

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D is for Doreen

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Doreen means beautiful in Greek and in some parts it is derived from the word Dorothea which means Gift of God.

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As a young child I would cling to my mother for comfort and love. When I was around 5 years old one of the stray dogs we took in had died giving birth to a litter of pups (all 12 later died). I clearly remember crying by the window looking out as my father took care of the lifeless body and I was bawling my eyes out clinging onto my mother who said “Why are you crying? You don’t need to cry until like that”. At that time, even as young as I was I thought my mother lacked compassion. Could she not see that I was mourning the death of the dear, dear dog. Could she not ask me so coldly and instead tuck me into her arms and comfort me as I wailed with all my aching heart.

When I was around 18 years old I had joined a traditional beauty contest in Sabah called Unduk Ngadau and I was crying as my mum was doing my makeup. I wanted aunty Lucia to do it as I thought she would know better than my mum. Aunty Lucia use to help organise the pageant and she has help other talents in the competition throughout the years. I am sure she would know better than my mum. Mum asked me “Why are you crying? I can help you with your makeup???”.

Around the same time I had just completed the Miss Malaysia pageant and wanted to go to New Zealand to study and live with a man I barely knew. As we were in the car outside the agents office to purchase the ticket my mother burst into tears telling us not to do it. It was a crazy idea. Me and dad did  not end up buying the ticket and just quietly went home instead.

These are intimate moments I shared with my mother which have shaped me into the person that I am today. I could have shared happy, joyful moments but I thought these moments were far more important. Moments, that I had judged my mother on as being an imperfect mother. A woman who did not understand how I felt and only passed judgement as she saw fit. Only when I became a mother myself did I realise how much she loves me. I could see her in my way of child rearing. The process to thicken the child’s skin so that the world may not hurt them. Better they learn from my harshness then to coddle them and then throw them into the cruel world. Better I be realistic and judgmentaland prepare them for the critics of the world. Let them learn to mourn and pick themselves up when no one else will be there to pick them up.

Everything I do, I see my mother. My mother is me and I am my mother.

Mum, I am sorry for the tough years that I gave you. For being petty and unappreciative of your efforts. I, now know the lengths you went to ensure we had a wonderful childhood. Doing all you could while working full time and still providing a warm home environment for us. I did not appreciate you as much as I should than and now and I hope you know that I love you deeply. You deserve the best and I promise I will try my best to give you the best.

D is for Doreen, my mother.

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Till Then

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Still figuring out this thing called parenthood

On my Facebook I had put up a status admitting that I was struggling handling the twins precociousness. I was overwhelmed by the response of my friends who are mothers themselves.  Some were thanking me for sharing my struggles as they thought they were the only ones losing the plot. Others were very encouraging and positive.

Ever since the twins turned two, things have been quite challenging.  I have a very good support system here in Auckland.  My in-laws have been super helpful with the twins and baby.  Giving me time to sleep in if I had a rough night with all three, helping me out when I have an assessment to hand in, making sure the kids are fed and entertaining them every.single.day. On top of that the house is clean and we don’t have to worry about our meals anymore. Thank you Ah Kong and Ah Ma! We love you! I can’t ask for anything more.  But I still struggle with the kids and it’s just about me. I feel inadequate to deal with their outbursts. I feel ill equipped to deal with their head strong personalities. How do I nurture that strong will without breaking mine and avoid turning them into selfish, self absorbing human beings whose only thought are of themselves and their pleasures?

I have read all the books and online articles and although I have an inkling it all goes out the window when my child is screaming at the DVD rental store because he doesn’t want to leave and play with the train set the shop has laid out for their patron with kids.

This got me thinking and wondering in awe how parents in a single parent household do it? How do stay at home mums or dads do it without any help? How do families with both parents working full time do it? Truly, how does one grow and nurture their young ones without a village?

I have been told this and I hope that you who is reading this do this too. Take the time to thank yourself and body for functioning. Thank yourself for giving it your all, acknowledge all that you do and feel blessed that you can do it. Take time to just be, be in the moment and be by yourself. Re-energize and fill up that jar that is you who has been emptied almost to nothing for other people and other things. Stop, breathe and just be.

Till then

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Bloody nose

Kawan-kawan sekalian, karma is real. I was playing with baby M in the bed (the smell of freshly changed bed sheets is heavenly).  Baby M was gurgling and laughing at my antics and Gaby jumped on our side of the bed.  He nuzzled baby M’s left ear and pulled on her ear while looking at me. She let out a yelp and that painful cry where no sound comes out but her whole face is red and her body is all stiff.  Before I can even chastise the imp big sister Ari comes over and whacks him on the thigh saying “No, no! Ari beat you!” and she runs over to us and pats and kisses baby M “Ari here, Ari here, it’s ok, it’s ok Miki”.

Meanwhile, baby M is bawling her eyes out and Gaby is crying telling me “Ari beat you!” He actually means “Ari beat me” but I haven’t been able to explain the differences between ‘you’ and ‘me’ to both of them yet.

Soon baby M calms down, Ari gives Gaby a hug to calm him down as well. Then he comes over to give baby a kiss and she grabs his nose by the nostrils and tugs. He doesn’t say anything but when he looks up there is blood coming out of his nose.

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This is what karma looks like on a two year old.

Till then

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My dramatic unplanned home birth story

So yes, baby Mikaela was born. This post was in the making for the last 4 months but I have always been putting it off thinking I would be able to do it soon. Well soon is here and baby is now 5 months old, crawling, having solids and is just the cutest baby you have ever seen! I swear she may even be cuter then the twins (ssshhh don’t tell the grandparents).

Anyhoo, before you read any further maybe you might want to stop as I’m going to chat about the whole birth experience (with placenta and all).

….ready?

So, baby M was born around 12.30am on the 19th of August 2015 in my bathroom. Yup, we didn’t manage to get to the hospital. Prior to the birth my midwife advised me that if my water broke at night I was to not panic, put more towels on the bed and go back to sleep (for real??? I know right).

My water broke around 9.30pm and it wasn’t a big gush like what I had with the twins. My panties were wet and I had this constant need to pee but that’s about it. Then Bron called the birth centre to let them know my water broke and the lady on the line laughed at him and said not to worry and go back to sleep and get as much rest as possible. So we both shrugged it off and continued on surfing (the kids were jumping around and playing with Bron at this stage). I thought since it’s going to be a long wait I might as well have a shower and then realised umm that I haven’t tidied up my lady bits so I ask Bron to help me out (well I didn’t want the midwife and nurses to be ambushed (Lol, geddit? am’bush’ed???) As he was helping me (he only told me this AFTER baby was born) but he thought I looked quite dilated but wasn’t sure and I wasn’t screaming in pain so he didn’t think much of it.

Around 10.30pm the kids were in bed and Bron was timing my contractions. I was on the couch on my knees clutching a big pillow. Everytime a contraction came I would breath it out and rotate my hips. By then the contractions were every 5 minutes, very painful but bearable. He kept asking me if we should call the midwife but I told him through gritted teeth that she had told me the wait is usually really long and to only call her if the contractions happened every three minutes and lasted for a minute. As I was trying to breathe my way out of the pain I kept repeating “every 3 minutes lasting 1 minute” (cause by then I wanted my midwife to come THIS INSTANT). Around 11.30pm, I think it was 11.30pm because I was in a lot of pain, Bron was asleep with the watch still in his hand and I’m still muttering to myself that this is gonna go all night, baby is not coming yet and I need to relax while the mother of all contractions hits me, my back and my hips. I can’t breathe and will the pain away and I am now on all fours swiveling my hips round and round trying to hula hoop that pain away.

After awhile, an eternity or maybe it was a minute I can’t tell anymore. I got myself up and went into the shower. Maybe a warm shower will help (all those Facebook articles on pregnancy and child rearing were not for nothing!) and I got in and it felt sooooo goooodddddd. The warm water was so heavenly…yes…..ahhh what is this, there is no pain at all and then BANG! This intense pain that I have never felt before just hits me out of nowhere and I reach out to hold on to anything and while the pain went through my body I had this intense need to push. By God, I am not going to push! Baby is not coming yet! It’s too soon!

So like any good woman who is in labor, I panicked. Goosebumps all over my body from resisting the urge to push and I am screaming for Bron. While he is waking up I get another big one and I am gripping onto that shower door for dear life, trying not to push. Bron comes in all groggy and ask me to get out of the shower and get dry otherwise I will get sick (bless him, hahahahahah). He gets me out and dries me but another contraction is coming and I jump back in and get that warm, sweet water down my back. I tell him there is no way I am coming out again as the warm water is nice but I think baby is coming but it’s too soon and I can’t tell cause we stop timing the contractions. He coaxes me out before the next one hits and it comes before I can do anything. I grip on to Bron and touch myself because I swear I can feel baby’s head. I touch something really soft and squishy and I’m screaming “We need to go to the hospital! There is something wrong, it’s not babies head, it’s too soft it might be the cord blocking her!). Bron has a look says its definitely a head and not to… I am not sure what he said afterwards as I had to push one more time and POP! baby slides out, I felt such relief but couldn’t enjoy it as baby came out way too fast and I try to grab her before she hits the tile floor. I cry out as I missed but Bron was already there. Holding on to her like a champion and I think he was covered in bright white light as he held baby up with the music from Lion King playing in the background.

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He gets her a towel, gets me a towel and at that moment I am just too tired to do anything but stand and hold her. He calls the midwife and she rushes over, what is usually an hour journey she made it to our place in 45 minutes. While waiting my placenta drops and everything else that is suppose to. I feed baby and she is all warm and snugly. By now the twins are all up and hyper *the next day Gaby is sick for a week due to the excitement and I think he caught the flu which he passed on to Ari and Miki (at two weeks and she handled that so well).

There you go, my birth story with baby M. I am just glad that it went smoothly and with Gods grace we all made it out ok. I read a lot about home births but never thought that it would happen to me. This was so different from the twins birth and in a way more relaxing. I wasn’t plugged to anything, there were no strangers coming in and out of the room and whenever I was uncomfortable I could move around and not be confined to a bed. But yeah, we suck at counting contractions and basic baby labor stuff. When baby came out I could keep her on the cord until it went all soft and limp. Seeing how different she is from the twins I really think this made a lot of difference. She is very aware, strong and has done a lot of things that the twins couldn’t do at her age but that could also be because she has older siblings whom she tries to mimic.

I guess that’s about it. I will post some photos here tomorrow but for more photos on the twins and baby M head on to my instagram @msaudreyc.

 

Till Then

xox

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Bring it on baby, wait, babies????

I woke up bright and early, had a shower, washed my hair, wore my best clothes, slap some lipstick on and went to meet my future head on.

As I enter the dark room she ask me to sit on the couch. All I saw was a bed, two chairs and a monitor. I sat on the chair. She looks at me and says “No, not there, here ” and taps the bed. As I sit on it I realized it is a couch albeit a really expensive one.

“Please open your pants and lower it, thank you, now I will place this towel here so the gel won’t get onto any of your clothes.”

She squirts gel on my lower stomach, which was surprisingly warm. I thought she was going to do it on my belly but she puts the scanwhatchamallit on the bottom half in between  my pelvic bone.

“Now, I’m just going to have a look around first and then when I’m done I will explain to you what is happening”

“Umm, sure ok”. I mean what is there to explain she will scan my tummy and then tell me I have a baby and then tell me how many weeks it was, right?

So she starts the scan. In front of me the screen comes to life. First it’s dark then it gets grey then I see a cavern and in the cavern is a blob. I’m thinking to myself “Oh, so there’s the little bubba”. I turn to MOH and he looks like he knows what he’s looking at (later on I find out that he didn’t have a clue to what was going on and didn’t know what he was looking for in the screen). Then she moves from left to right and the cavern fades away into a shadow and then into another cavern with another blob. She does this a couple of times and by then I was getting a little bit confused and worried. I was like “Holy Cow! That is one big baby! But what the heck is that shadow in the middle???” The scan lady, whose name is Alison,  turns to me and says  in the driest tone imaginable (that only the Brits can do) “I see here that you are having twins”. I’m like “WHAT???” and burst out crying.

Next thing I know, MOH is on my left and picks up my hand as we continue looking at the screen with a bit more awe and respect now. She continues the scan and explains where the head and limbs are. She then takes a snapshot and measures the fetuses to see how old they were since I had no idea.

I think I will forever remember this one incident for the rest of my life. Baby/fetus number one, who was on the left, was sleeping on its back, chilling and hardly moving. But when she moved the scan to the right baby/fetus number two was moving around. It was moving so much that she had to wait for about 5 minutes before she could take a snapshot of it to measure the size.

She measured it from the top of the head to it tiny nonexistent bottom/buttocks.

It was freaky, weird, amazing and crazy experience for me watching not one but TWO fetuses in my belly. After the shock I started babbling and told MOH that the second baby is moving around so much it must be looking for a comfortable spot. We will have to watch out for this one. “Oh, I wouldn’t worry too much about it. it’s actually a good sign when they are active”.

“Oh.” was my reply.

By then I was still tearing but had some measure of control over myself (I blame my weeping tendencies on the shock). She tells me to wipe myself up and hands over a scan of the baby. I mean BABIES!!! Talk about blowing expectations out of the water.

twins First look at the “Twins”

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The top photo is the dancing baby.  🙂 The bottom photo is the chillaxing one.

HAhahahahahahhahahahahahahah!

When I’m alone, regardless of what I’m doing, I stop for a moment and whisper “Twins” and start giggling like a lunatic and then continue on with what I’m doing. As you can tell it hasn’t sunked in, the reality that I am not having one but two babies. It’s crazy. I feel terribly blessed and thank God everyday.

Till Then

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Filed under Got a lot of soul, Life, Love, MsAudreyC, Things I say to myself, Twins

Enough Crazy stories and more LOVE!

Ok, I have had enough of bitching about housemates and what not. Let’s talk about something else and I have the perfect news to share with you. I just saw on my beautiful cousins Facebook that her boyfriend proposed to her. I found a video of him doing the deed and it is soooo sweet! I cried abit when she started crying. Doi dogo!

 

I was thinking

“So romantic!”,

“Wah, Cubex friends are so cool”

“Omg is cuzzie in a maids outfit”

“Aww he wore a suit!”

“Omg, he’s kneeling!!”

“Oh no, she’s crying!”

“Is she going to say Yes?”

I could feel everyone getting nervous when she didn’t answer and the boys were going to start chanting yes when Marina (the older sister) shush them all -it’s at 2.28 in the video-. FUNNYLA YOU BABE! I laughed until I couldn’t breathe ok!

What a sweet way to propose. I am going to go watch it again just to feel the warm fuzzies.

Congratulations to Cubex and Irene! I am so happy for you!

 

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